8 Years Ago Today

            8 years ago today, at 9:50 a.m., I pushed him out into the waiting world.  Today, on his birthday, he’s lake fishing with the men for the first time.  Julian’s a big-city boy, and had been looking forward to this; within an hour or so, he learned how to cast from his junior-sized rod and put a crawler on the hook.  Earlier, we’d stopped at the bait shop and were given a small, square Styrofoam box filled with earth, and we opened it to find out that “crawlers” means earthworms. He started to treat them like new pets, saying how cute they were.  “Don’t name them,” I said, “or you’ll get too attached.”
            Right away, Julian caught 3 small yellow perch, and learned to throw them back.
            Here at the blue wood cabin, the breeze turns into a wind and reminds me to be silent, with its “hussshhh.”  Then the sound recedes, and the sun peeks through the overcast.  I like the gray a little better, and it threatens to drizzle.  The wind makes a tiny commotion on the glass lake water.
            My son and the men were getting ready to go out on the small, square pontoon boat, with tackle boxes and life-jackets.  He moved around like the men did, even though I still think of him as my little one, the bald and pudgy baby he was, the velvety-apricot cheeked toddler.  Even though he’s taken swimming lessons and knows how to float on his back, I felt a bit nervous, and I went inside. The next time I looked, the boat was gone.  They’re on the lake somewhere.

An End-of-Winter Sky

I need to go outside

where it’s as clear as it is cold

  because the moon is not here tonight –

My backyard turns feral

and the stars get naked

It’s a sold-out

 silent show

My fingers feel blue

and my lungs fill up with outer space

I look and look and look

at Redpink and Bluespark

and the giant Satjupi,

  the winking Venumar

This backyard theater of broken concrete

black grass, sleeping dog, dormant toys,

and stars starring for no one but me

The stars know of my loved ones

who have left here -

As I disbelieve again

that they are really gone

But now I have a chance to say hello                   

to those heavenly bodies

The celestial beings

 which form the constellations

   that we recognize

are actually millions of light years away

from each other

I buzz toward the light

of my home doorway

warmth and dinner in the air

              noticing how thin my door to the outside is

And I’m as grateful for the indoor world

as I am for that aerie wild one.

Paint Colors (sherwin-williams):

green:
Vegan, Parakeet, Mint Condition, Rice Paddy, Shamrock, Dill, Cape Verde, Celery, Electric Lime, Envy, Aloe, Picnic, Citronella, Dewy, Hearts of Palm, Drizzle, Sprout, Nervy Hue, Cilantro, Aquatint, Gecko, Waterscape, Frolic, Artichoke, Oakmoss, Julep, Shadegrown, Relentless Olive, Houseplant, Greentrance, Romaine, Leapfrog, Dried thyme, Grasshopper, High Strung, Cucumber.

blue:
Cloudless, Splashy, Quench, Bubble, Cosmos, Briny, Carefree, Blue Chip, Atmospheric, Denim, Soar, Lupine, Downpour, Vast, Respite, Icelandic, Morning Glory, Celestial, Vesper Violet, Solitude, Lagoon, Turquish, Rainwashed, Jasper, Undersea.

pink:
Childlike, Hopeful, Obi Lilac, Blushing, Champagne, Venus Pink.

neutral:
Smokehouse, Anonymous, Gray Area, Porpoise, Shade, Eggwhite, Crisp Linen, Sawdust, Rock Candy, Chinchilla, Quietude, Flan, Software, Chamomile, Sand Dollar, Cloak, Champagne, Demure, Morning Fog, Spun Sugar, Ponder, Creamery, Iceberg, Whole Wheat, Otter, Chamois, Macadamia, Cityscape, Burlap, Cultured Pearl, Baguette, Night Owl, Muslin, Hush, Malted Milk, Sand Trap, Toasty, Doeskin, Rice Grain, Abalone Shell, Windowpane, Sea Salt, Opaline, Retreat, Pewter, Cocoon, Distance, Bosc Pear, Butterfield, Rock Bottom, Lotus Flower, Iron Ore, Turkish Coffee, Nuthatch, Outerspace.